How do I have those harder conversations?
That is the number one request from leaders and managers.
In leadership and management, engaging in challenging conversations is often cited as the pivotal skill for enhancing one’s presence, communication, and influence. This capability determines not only the leader’s success but also the success of their organization. Yet, despite many tools and strategies promising to ease this essential task, a fundamental component frequently remains overlooked—the leader’s readiness and ability to effectively utilize the tools provided.
Drawing upon a familiar metaphor, consider a chef equipped with sophisticated culinary tools. The chef’s potential remains untapped without the requisite knowledge and readiness to employ the tools. Similarly, the art of navigating tough conversations extends beyond having familiarity with a specific structural toolkit; it demands a readiness to engage with the complexities of human interaction—a readiness that no tool, regardless of its sophistication, can substitute.
When someone comes to me and says they’re having trouble having tough conversations, it could be with a direct report or a boss. It could be with a client. It could be reporting to the board. Let your imagination go and think of all the tough conversations and different relationships that can be challenging. Often the difficulties stem from a lack of alignment in goals and visions, or due to the inherent complexity of human communication.
What becomes clear is that challenging scenarios require more than choosing the right words or following a particular script or framework. Success in friction-fraught conversations needs a different kind of preparation; you can’t simply rely on a specific tool or framework to lead to the desired outcome. Effectively engaging in complex conversations requires a heightened awareness of yourself. You can pick up any tool, but more is required to prepare for and solve the communication need.
The essence of this preparation is self-awareness. And it has three critical dimensions:
- Acknowledging the inherent discomfort and awkwardness of difficult conversations
- Recognizing and owning one’s defensiveness
- Maintaining presence and equality in the conversation
This triad of self-awareness serves as the foundation for effectively using any communicative tool or technique. As the leader, you must ensure that you’re not just technically proficient with the tools. You must also be deeply empathetic and genuinely transparent.
- Acknowledge the Awkwardness: Every challenging conversation begins with an acknowledgment of the discomfort it brings. This awkwardness is a natural part of addressing tough issues and should be embraced rather than shunned. If we seek to be comfortable in uncomfortable situations, we are focusing on the wrong goal.
- Recognize and Own Your Defensiveness: It’s human nature to become defensive when confronted with criticism or disagreement. The key is to notice this defensiveness within ourselves and claim it rather than succumbing to the urge to justify or rationalize it or, worse, blame another.
- Stay Present and Engaged: True dialogue requires staying present, listening actively, and engaging as an equal participant. This involves navigating the “Alex effect,” understanding how power dynamics and status differences influence the conversation and ensuring that these elements do not detract from the pursuit of mutual understanding. Most challenging conversations in a work environment are heightened by the unspoken rules and structured roles.
In essence, the leader’s toolkit for difficult conversations must be grounded in a profound self-awareness and a readiness to engage beyond mere technical skill. It’s about understanding the impact of one’s presence, managing your responses to unexpected turns in the conversation, and maintaining a clear intention throughout the dialogue.
You have to be very clear about your intention. What is the outcome you’re looking for? What is the combined outcome that you’ll achieve by having these conversations with another person? Are you actually open to the awkward in between space where the conversations happen?
How well do you know yourself? Are you aware of how you land in conversations? Are you aware of how others trigger you? How do you navigate this? Self-awareness is often put off because it can be exhausting, as we peel back the layers, we find there is more to be examined.
The journey through the storm of difficult conversations demands not just a mastery of tools but also deep self-preparation and the cultivation of an authentic presence. It challenges leaders to be both navigators and learners, continuously refining their ability to foster meaningful connections and achieve shared success. In this endeavor, the true direction is not found in our tools but in our readiness to engage with openness, empathy, and a steadfast commitment to genuine dialogue.
Be present to yourself and others. Be in dialogue and relationship. Honor the awkwardness and navigate the friction.
That’s foundational to being a leader.
Hilary Blair is a leadership keynote speaker based out of Denver, CO, and is the co-founder of ARTiculate: Real & Clear. She is also a highly regarded, actor, improviser, facilitator, voice-over artist, and voice expert coach. Contact us today to learn more.
