It’s that season again. We’re inundated with commercials showing the fun and joy of families celebrating and eating together. The message is clear that Thanksgiving and other holiday gatherings are opportunities to connect, grow, and celebrate with family and friends. Yet, reality lurks for all of us as they also stir up anxiety and tension.
This holiday season is likely to be a bit more heightened. How do we make it through – or even, have a good time? By embracing tools and mindsets that help us navigate the inevitable friction of human interaction. Here are a few ideas to help you thrive this Thanksgiving by staying present, setting boundaries, and leaning into fruitful friction.
Be Present: The One Rule to Remember
The most powerful gift you can give this Thanksgiving is your presence. Easier said than done – and it’s more than just showing up. When we wall ourselves off—whether through defensiveness, avoidance, or retreat—we unconsciously signal to others that connection isn’t safe. This triggers reactions and often escalates tensions on all sides.
Being present is about staying emotionally available (not vulnerable) and choosing connection.
- Metaphor to Remember: “Keep your camera on, even if others have theirs off.” Staying emotionally open—even when others seem closed—invites connection and shifts the energy of the room. We still need to be aware of our own need for psychological safety – and that is established with boundaries not walls.
BASA: A Tool for Staying Present in the Moment
At ARTiculateRC, we use the acronym BASA to guide grounded and intentional communication in moments that can feel tense or stressful. Here’s how to apply it:
Breathe: When you find yourself holding your breath—whether from something someone just said, the energy of the room, or even the anticipation before arriving—start with an exhale. Exhaling releases CO2, tension, and the instinct to hold tight, allowing your natural breathing cadence to reset.
- Why Exhale First? Most of us instinctively inhale when told to breathe, but this can increase tension. A long, satisfying exhale signals your body to relax.
- Think of it as a small reset: Your body instinctively loves a good sigh.
Available: Be available—distinct from vulnerable. This means choosing what parts of yourself you share, with intention.
- Emotional availability is intentional and doesn’t mean oversharing; it’s about being present and engaged without building defensive energy walls.
See Them: Really seeing others creates a bridge for connection. We often don’t want to invade someone’s personal space so we unintentionally look but don’t really connect or see the other person. A simple commitment to truly see another and allow yourself to be seen makes people feel connected and valued.
- See others and allow yourself to be seen. Avoiding eye contact or putting up walls separates us. Bravely connect by letting yourself and others truly be seen.
- It is a bit of a mind shift more than a physical stare at another person.
Awkwardness: Yes, being present can feel awkward. Own it. Rock your awkward. You can be awkward and confident. Sometimes we work so hard on being “comfortable” that we miss out on our amazing confidence and competence. Many situations are awkward – that’s fine! Being present and open to connection is courageous, and confidently being yourself is the foundation for authentic relationships.
Fruitful Friction: The Power of Differing Perspectives
Friction is inevitable, but conflict is not. When we embrace the natural differences in ideas and perspectives, we create space for richer, more innovative conversations.
Fruitful friction is a commitment to figuring out how we can show up and be present while holding space for difference of opinions and ideas which is an opportunity for creativity and growth, rather than something to smooth over. It’s often counterintuitive that we meet with curiosity, compassion, and confidence to be available.
- Why Embrace Friction? It allows individuality and uniqueness to shine, leading to respect and more dynamic discussions.
- While there are moments to smooth things over, developing the skill to navigate and enjoy the friction of ideas fosters creativity and mutual understanding.
- Smoothing things over does sometimes mean we can slide right off course. Friction gives us traction to keep moving forward or at least have the ability to maneuver.
Boundaries vs. Walls: Setting Intentional Limits
Setting boundaries is essential to staying present and grounded, especially during emotionally charged gatherings. Boundaries differ from walls in that they are intentional choices rather than defensive and reflexive reactions.
How to Set Boundaries
- Decide in advance what you are or aren’t willing to discuss or share. They can be little things or larger topics. A few simple examples:
- Avoiding certain political topics – or politics altogether.
- Choosing not to disclose details about your diet, dating life, or children’s lives.
- Drawing a line on personal preferences, like the debate between rescue pets and purebred dogs. That one truly caused an intense ruckus at a gathering I was at.
- Boundaries are dynamic. They can shift depending on who’s in the room and the energy of the conversation.
By choosing your boundaries intentionally, you can participate authentically without feeling overwhelmed or exposed.
Key: You can have walls down and boundaries up. The distinction between the two is useful for navigation.
Practical Tools for a Grounded Thanksgiving
Here are actionable steps to help you embody presence and connection this holiday:
- Breathe Intentionally: When you catch yourself holding your breath, exhale to reset. Let the natural rhythm of your breathing return so the oxygen can get into your blood stream to get to your brain!
- Be Available: Stay emotionally present by choosing connection without overexposing yourself.
- Set Clear Boundaries: Know what you are comfortable discussing and honor those limits.
- Choose to See and Be Seen: Make eye contact, acknowledge others, and allow your authentic self to show up.
- Enjoy the benefits of Fruitful FrictionTM: There is a great deal of connection possible before it turns into conflict. It’s a choice to activate the tools for the creative journey.
Navigating Social Gatherings
Presence is not just a gift to others; it’s a gift to yourself. Choosing to stay present, even in challenging dynamics, invites connection, creativity, and respect. It takes courage, intentionality, and a willingness to embrace the friction of human relationships.
Thanksgiving and all the gatherings this season offer a chance to connect meaningfully, even when it feels challenging. Use tools like BASA, lean into fruitful friction TM, and set boundaries with intention. As you gather with loved ones, let presence, humility, and curiosity guide you.
This season, may your connections be fulfilling, creative, and joyful. Be present. Be grounded. Be you.
Hilary Blair is a leadership keynote speaker based out of Denver, CO, and is the co-founder of ARTiculate: Real & Clear. She is also a highly regarded actor, improviser, facilitator, voice-over artist, and voice expert coach. Connect with us.
