A client shared a tense exchange with a colleague. This guy clearly walked into a conversation carrying his own assumptions about the situation, a story shaping how he pushed back, but he wasn’t self-aware of that story’s impact.
I have been reading Cleopatra, Saara El-Arifi’s novel about the queen, and one line I had to write down in my notes:
“That’s the thing with stories: you must always know the story of the storyteller.”
This quote sums up what I’m often trying to remind myself and my clients. What’s the story driving the storyteller? And underneath that question is a second one that took me a lot longer to see: what’s my own story doing to how I hear theirs?
My client wanted to talk about her colleague and assess what was going on with him. She wanted to analyze what had caused him to react that way. She was trained, like many of us, to take a moment to think about the other person and what was going on with them.
That’s a problem I’m running into with leaders who are well-intentioned, aware, and highly trained. They’re forgetting that they need to remember they are in the story too! What is their story that’s impacting how they are hearing the dialogue?
Now it’s not that her colleague’s story doesn’t matter, because it most certainly does. Most of us carry a story into every exchange we enter, and that story shapes what we say and how we say it. As leaders, that needs to be acknowledged. It’s genuinely none of her business what her colleague’s story is. She does need to know it’s there, and that it’s shaping him. And then to be sure she’s looking at herself.
The reminder is that we need to turn the story lens on ourselves, recognizing that we walked into that conversation carrying a story too. That’s the step I keep finding most of us skip.
“I’m Just Sharing the Truth”
I heard some version of that phrase at least three times in the last couple of weeks, from smart, well-intentioned, thoroughly exhausted leaders: “I’m just sharing the truth.” Or, “I’m sharing the facts.”
When a leader shares this perspective, my first response is that they are out of tools and techniques to handle the client, colleague, or direct report situation. The voiced feeling that it is the way it is and, of course, “I’m right” usually comes with a frustrated exhale, and not an arrogant sense of self.
It’s important to remember that we don’t always know the story and that even numbers and finances are shared with a story attached. Which figures got pulled. Which ones got left out. What order they showed up in. And one of my favorite, and often dismissed, elements is the tone of voice used in the exchange. Facts don’t arrive in a conversation without story and spin. Contrary to popular belief, even a monotone is a tone that shares a story. They are shared with the story that the deliverer has lived.
None of this makes anyone deceitful or deceptive. It reminds us that we’re human. The leaders I’m talking about aren’t trying to manipulate anyone. They believe exactly what they’re saying, and that’s the trap. When we’re certain we’re delivering the truth, we stop asking what our own story is riding along with it.
I still experience my own lack of curiosity at times and forget that there’s a story behind someone’s storytelling. I can get caught up in the moment, especially when a comment is directed at me, and I jump to conclusions and have a reaction. I must remember that it is my own story that influences my reaction.
What happens when we get the incorrect story about someone, or make assumptions?
In Ted Lasso, the sitcom, Keely asks Higgins for advice. The comedy comes from Higgins making assumptions and jumping in to fill in the backstory of why Keely is doing what she’s doing. It creates a comical moment and a reality check because all of Higgins’ collection of stories is wrong. All he needed to know was that there was a reason, a story behind her request for advice.
Higgins wasn’t just inventing a story about Keely out of nowhere either. He was filling in her blank with pieces of his own story, his own history, his own worries, and hearing her question through that lens instead of hers. He didn’t need to know the details. And if he did, he needed to check in before he mis-storied her. Although it makes for a delightful exchange in the comedy, in life it doesn’t always land so well.
Two phases worth separating here. Phase one: remember there is a story, and let that awareness inform your assumptions instead of letting your assumptions write the story for you. Phase two: you don’t need the details of someone’s story to know it’s shaping the situation, including how they’re hearing you.
Reminder for us all, that getting mis-storied can be anywhere from annoying to offensive, all while having good intentions.
Getting Mis-Storied
I have many stories of my own about being mis-storied. I’ve spent years working hard to be clear, only to find out later that someone built an entirely different story about what I meant. And those stories continue to impact how I communicate.
One of the clearest early examples happened in college. I had gone to a public high school. Somewhere along the way, someone decided I’d gone to private school and was lying about it, and I got called out for it. I hadn’t lied about anything. Someone built a story about me, decided it was true, and never checked. Whatever story they were carrying, about private school, about who lies and who doesn’t, decided what they heard before I ever opened my mouth. The story they created about my storytelling was wrong, and yet it still affected how I was heard. Then I created a story about the story, and the cycle goes on and on!
In hindsight, it’s a rather silly example, and yet it has stayed with me for decades. Someone assigned me a story without asking. I felt the hurt of being misunderstood, of being mis-storied. I wanted to be seen for who I was, and that story shapes how I react even today.
We need to be aware of our own story impacting how we put story on others and how it impacts our storytelling!
This pattern, the story behind the storyteller and how easily we get mis-storied, is one of the reasons I do this work.
It’s a Cycle to Note. Can’t Change It.
We can hold space for the fact that the person across from us has a story shaping their storytelling. That’s real, and it’s worth acknowledging, even without ever needing the details.
We work hard to communicate clearly, while running straight into one of the biggest reasons we miscommunicate in the first place. We are often so worried about remembering that the other person has a story that we forget we have a story too.
The move most of us skip is turning that same awareness back on ourselves, recognizing that our storytelling is never just the truth or just the facts. It’s our story, dressed up as truth. Accountability starts there, in noticing our own story before we go looking for someone else’s.
It’s as simple as remembering that someone else has a story that impacts what they’re telling us. What we might forget is that we have a story that’s impacting how we hear what they’re saying. So we’re aware of their story and not our own.
It was that Cleopatra quote from the novel by Saara El-Arifi that had me want to add a line to the end.
“That’s the thing with stories: you must always know the story of the storyteller.” And your own story shapes how you hear theirs.
That’s the whole thing, really. Not knowing everyone else’s story. Knowing your own well enough to see it clearly before you hand it to someone else as truth.
The conversations leaders have shape what happens next.
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Hilary Blair is a leadership keynote speaker based out of Denver, CO, and is the co-founder of ARTiculate: Real&Clear. She is also a highly regarded actor, improviser, facilitator, voice-over artist, and voice expert coach. Connect with us, we are dedicated to and passionate about clarifying communication. Start a conversation as we explore the multiple ways we can support your unique communication style and technique.
