“Be calm.” Or worse: “Calm down.”
On the surface, these words seem wise. Grounded. Responsible. They sound like something a steady, successful leader would say.
Except they’re not. They’re often shortcuts, band-aids used to soothe discomfort rather than solutions that support genuine connection.
In the workshops I lead, calm is constantly listed as a desirable leadership trait. Calm isn’t bad; it’s just misunderstood. And misused. When we tell someone to calm down, we’re usually asking them to make us more comfortable.
Here’s the truth: Calm is an outcome, not an action. And when we toss it in as advice, a command, or worse, a measure of professionalism, we’re missing the point and sometimes doing real harm.
Calm Seems a Safe Choice
Calm is very appealing. It makes us feel better. However, for some people, especially those who experience intense emotions, performing or trying to appear calm can squash their true selves. They flatten their tone, suppress their energy, and deny the emotional wave rising inside of them. And here’s the kicker: everyone in the room can still feel it. If you sense someone is experiencing big emotions and it seems like the person exuding them isn’t aware, it can be scary. “Do they know they are upset?”
We’re remarkably good at sensing when someone’s off. And when a leader is visibly disconnected from their inner state or in denial, it makes others uneasy. We don’t know what’s coming. We can’t read them. It doesn’t feel safe—it feels unpredictable.
One client of mine, an incredibly passionate leader, was repeatedly told to “be calm.” He tried hard. He dulled his tone, kept his face still, and flattened the tone of his speech. But the result wasn’t calm. It was cold. Aloof. Worse, his sharp edge snuck out anyway—because he was working so hard to suppress what he felt instead of acknowledging it.
His strength? He feels deeply. And when he learned to tune in, regulate, and speak transparently, everything shifted. His team leaned in. They knew he had big reactions to things, and that was ok when he knew it as well. They trusted him again.
“Calm Down” Is Not Leadership
Let’s be clear: telling someone to calm down is almost always about making ourselves more comfortable.
In business environments, it’s not uncommon to see a leader trying to manage a direct report’s emotional moment—grief, frustration, or even excitement—by urging them to remain calm. But this signals one thing: Your emotional state is inconvenient.
It’s old-school. It’s dismissive. And yes, it can be manipulative.
We’ve built a culture where “being emotional” only refers to crying, yelling, or anger. Being emotional is often not associated with smiling or celebrating. Never sitting quietly, but still having feelings.
And those who express strong emotions—especially women, especially people of color—are often labeled “too much” or “unprofessional” or worse.
This has to change.
Calm ≠ Leadership. Regulation Does.
There’s a big difference between calming yourself and being told to calm down.
Self-regulation is powerful. It’s a skill. It’s trainable. It allows you to notice:
“I’m feeling big feelings and may appear reactive.”
“My body’s in stress response.”
“I need to regulate before I speak.”
Navigating being in relationship with yourself is essential so you can stay in relationship with others.
It’s as simple as an exhale. And allowing the air back in while you take a six-second self- examination. Tuning in, not out. Being honest. Without blame.
But squashing everything down? That’s not regulation—it’s a performance. And most performances crack under pressure.
We Need All Kinds of Leaders
Some leaders and team members are naturally calm. They’ve got that deep keel that keeps them steady in rough seas. That’s great—truly. Some roles need that trait. But when we only reward the steady and suppress the expressive, we lose the richness of diverse leadership. Some leaders and team members are kayakers – navigating each and every change of the current and the wave.
We lose leaders who lead with emotion and big feelings.
We lose leaders who feel—and show it.
We lose highly skilled people.
And let’s be honest: those ultra-calm leaders? Sometimes, we don’t even know if they’re happy.
I’ve watched teams joke nervously: “Hey… do you like this? We just turned a 50% profit!”
We deserve better than unreadable. We need present.
So, What Do We Do?
We shift from the myth of calm to the practice of self-awareness.
Here are four ways to start*:
- Acknowledge your state. You don’t need to fall apart. Just say: “I’m frustrated, and I’m listening.” The use of “because” also needs to be omitted. Usually, adding “because” to the end of the self-awareness phrase can shift the responsibility or blame onto others. Instead, state the situation and be transparent. That’s authentic leadership.
- Take a six-second pause for self-awareness before speaking. Exhale. The natural reaction to stress. Exhale and allow the breath back in. Let your nervous system process. Regulate before you react. Let your cortisol level drop. Additionally, you pause before speaking and be aware that you have already responded, as our bodies are constantly conveying messages.
- You can still be expressive. It needs to be done with awareness of how you impact others. Awareness of tone of voice, word choice, energy, and body language. Regulated breathing involves breathing with awareness rather than hiding or suppressing your expression.
- Stop saying, “Calm down.” Instead, state the current situation as you feel it. “I’m feeling a lot of energy right now,” without attaching it to anyone’s behavior. Ask: “What do you need?” or “What’s happening for you right now?” That creates space for the person to feel seen rather than ignored.
*Note: There are many tools for regulation. These are four simplified tools. You may need to tailor these tools to suit your style and the specific situation.
Lead Human: Stay in the Conversation
Calm is tempting. It’s marketable. It’s clean.
And that drive to tell people to calm down comes with a cost in terms of credibility and trust.
Leadership and team communication isn’t clean—it’s human, and that often means messy. It’s why we talk about navigating the Messy Middle for Fruitful Friction™.
Calm is an outcome, not an action. And when we treat it like a command or a leadership strategy, we undermine authenticity, connection, and effectiveness.
You’re allowed to feel. You’re allowed to show it. The skill is in knowing how, when, and with what awareness.
Because when you show up—not as a performance, but as a presence—you create the very thing everyone was hoping calm would bring: a safer space to connect and stay in the relationship for productive and honest conversations.
Ready to Go Deeper?
Contact us for individual and team deep dives so everyone gets the guidance they need to thrive. Let’s make sure your investment in training doesn’t sit in the driveway. We’ll fuel it with coaching that moves your people forward. 303.868.3889 or visit ARTiculateRC.com
Hilary Blair is a leadership keynote speaker based out of Denver, CO, and is the co-founder of ARTiculate: Real & Clear. She is also a highly regarded actor, improviser, facilitator, voice-over artist, and voice expert coach
