The Self-Awareness Gap in Leadership
Again, I find myself writing about self-awareness. Because it keeps showing up on the “missing” list. I sit in rooms with leaders. Smart, passionate, experienced leaders who believe in growth, development, and leading with heart. They talk about self-awareness as if it
were already there. As if it’s something they’ve checked off the list. But when it comes time to reflect on what’s not working, they tend to mention what their team isn’t doing, how feedback isn’t landing, and that trust is eroding.
I don’t hear: What’s my role here? How might I be contributing to this dynamic?
Here’s the thing. We say the only person we can change is ourselves. And yet most leadership conversations are about changing other people. That’s a problem.
Soft Skills Are the Hard Work
Self-awareness is a soft skill. And soft skills matter. Deeply. We need to stop dismissing them as less than. “Soft” doesn’t mean easy. It means human. It means nuanced. It means essential. These are the skills that don’t have tidy formulas. They’re harder to measure, so they often get skipped. But that’s exactly why they matter. The fact that they are harder to define does not mean they lack impact. It means they demand more of us.
That squishiness? That’s real life. That’s connection.
Feedback Without Reflection Isn’t Feedback
Feedback is a perfect example. Leaders want tools, frameworks, and techniques for how to give it, how to phrase it, and how to wrap it up nicely. But most feedback advice skips the part where the giver has to actually be self-aware. Who are you in the room? What power do you hold? What do you sound like when you think you’re being supportive? Do you know how your tone, your word choice, and your energy affect
others?
There needs to be an awkward reckoning with our own patterns. Leaders often talk about the importance of accountability. That starts with being accountable for your own impact. If someone says you come across as condescending or dismissive, do you ignore or shut that down? Or do you get curious?
That’s self-awareness in action.
Fruitful Friction® and the Messy Middle
And yes, it’s uncomfortable. In my work on Fruitful Friction®, we explore exactly this. That discomfort in the messy middle. That moment when we feel the heat and want to bolt. Most of us duck behind our walls to avoid that moment. We tell ourselves we’re
protecting others by holding back, but often we’re just protecting ourselves from the vulnerability of being seen. Of being called into the conversation. And yes, let’s be careful here. Bias, tone policing, and power dynamics are real. But that doesn’t give anyone permission to bypass reflection. Especially not those in dominant or leadership roles. If you have power in the room, it’s your job to tune into how you land.
Practicing Self-Awareness Daily
So what does this look like, practically?
- Ask. Self-awareness can start with reflection, but it deepens with feedback. If you trust the people around you, ask them how you’re showing up. Listen.
- Notice. Watch your own patterns. Your body language. Your word choices. Where you tighten up. When you disappear.
- Adapt. Not to please. To grow. To communicate more clearly. To connect more effectively.
- Own your part. Always.
One leader said to me recently, “I’m very aware of others. I can read a room. But I don’t know how to read myself.”
That’s the work.
Ready to Get Real About Self-Awareness?
Want to explore how self-awareness—and discomfort—can transform your team’s communication? Let’s start a conversation.
You can learn more about Fruitful Friction® or our leadership coaching offerings.
Let’s shift your self-awareness superpower.
Hilary Blair is a leadership keynote speaker based out of Denver, CO, and is the co-founder of ARTiculate: Real & Clear. She is also a highly regarded actor, improviser, facilitator, voice-over artist, and voice expert coach
