In an age where artificial intelligence continues to reshape our landscape, the demand for leaders who are emotionally attuned and empathetic has never been more pressing. It’s a call for those at the helm to not only understand their emotions but also to create a culture that does not shy away from the healthy expression of feelings. But this emotional expression demands a shift in the culture of organizations hand in hand with a shift for the coaches supporting the leadership as well.
There’s a lot of talk about emotional intelligence and expression, and yet when you get down to it, there is still vocal support for leaders and teams who are calm. The role of emotional intelligence in leadership has to be fully incorporated and modeled from all sides. Coaches have to be as comfortable with the emotional expression that they are theorizing about. Leaders and coaches have to practice walking the talk to create truly emotionally expressive and safer spaces.
The Paradox of Emotional Expression in Leadership
The business world often sends mixed signals: be in touch with your emotions, but maintain a stoic calm; be vulnerable, yet unshakeable. This dichotomy can leave leaders feeling as if they are walking a tightrope, balancing their authentic emotional selves with the stoic facade they believe is expected of them. In workshop after workshop, calm is mentioned as a top leadership presence skill. The reality, however, is that fostering an environment where emotions can be freely expressed—without fear of being labeled as “unprofessional”—is crucial for genuine connection and trust.
Recently, I was in a room with a frustrated leader expressing in a manner some may label as angry. It was important to respond to what was being shared and not first attempt to calm this leader before engaging. The conversation with the leader and the group was fruitful. Time after time, I’ve witnessed both experienced and less experienced facilitators and coaches make the choice to calm a room before engaging. This is done almost always for the comfort of the facilitator. This is a missed opportunity and wrongly reinforces the idea that calm is the correct position for engagement. The messiness of voices and ideas in an activated room takes serious facilitation skills to navigate. Or as in the words of a skilled trainer I knew, “You can’t calm the water because you are a paddle boarder – learn to surf and take on the waves.”
Challenges in Modern Leadership Training
Leadership training programs frequently laud the image of the calm, unflappable leader, inadvertently undervaluing the power of emotional connection. This skewed emphasis can lead to the suppression of emotions in leaders, robbing teams of the rich human experience that emotions bring to the table. To bridge this gap, trainers, coaches, and facilitators must pivot from rewarding detachment to encouraging leaders to engage with their emotions in a way that enriches their connections to others.
Embracing Emotional Range
Inviting leaders to be emotionally present means creating a space that can handle the full spectrum of human emotion. It’s not enough to welcome joy and contentment while sidelining anger and frustration. We need to recognize the constructive potential of these “difficult” emotions and integrate them into our emotional toolkit, rather than dismissing or fearing them. And, as facilitators, it is our responsibility to differentiate between heightened intensity and anger, to prevent mislabeling, and to acknowledge the valid presence of passion. It is our responsibility to distinguish between regulated and unregulated emotional states and allow for regulated emotions, of all kinds to be expressed. The key here is an understanding that ALL emotions may be expressed in a regulated manner. We can be angry, disappointed, frustrated, ecstatic, passionate, and REGULATED.
Walking the Talk: Regulation Versus Calm
It’s time to redefine our expectations. Emotional regulation should not be mistaken for perpetual calmness. Calm is merely one possible outcome of regulation, not the objective. Robyn Gobbel, LCSW, RPT-S, puts it succinctly: “Calm isn’t what we are working toward! And prioritizing calm gives other states of the nervous system a bad rap!” As leaders and coaches, we must aim for regulation—a state where emotions are recognized, understood, and channeled effectively, not merely subdued.
The Gap Between Expectation and Reality
There exists a chasm between the ideals of emotional intelligence and the practical experiences within most organizations. We’ve seen leaders praised for their calm while their more animated counterparts, who are equally thoughtful, are overlooked. This disparity not only undermines the emotional diversity within teams but also stifles potential leadership that could thrive on authentic emotional expression.
The Role of Coaches and Leaders in Emotional Acceptance
To truly advance leadership, coaches and facilitators must be equipped to handle emotional energy without feeling the need to shut it down. It’s not enough to preach emotional intelligence; one must also embody it. Leaders who express emotions are often branded as too passionate or excessive, yet it is precisely this vibrancy that can lead to breakthroughs and innovation. Coaches and leaders must learn to navigate these emotional waters, not by silencing the storm but by sailing through it with their teams.
The Responsibility of Coaches/Facilitators in the Emotional Arena
The creation of a safe environment does not entail the absence of strong emotions but the ability to engage with them constructively. Just as a fear of water is incompatible with teaching swimming, a discomfort with emotions is incongruent with mentoring leaders. We must embrace the full range of human expression if we are to support leaders effectively and usher in a new era of emotionally intelligent leadership. Too often, we experience coaches and facilitators ill-equipped to deal with the intensity of emotion in a room. Instead of realizing they need to expand their skill set, they seek to calm the energy. In most of these situations, great creativity, excellent problem-solving, and creating a safer space for individuality have just been lost.
In conclusion, to foster a safe emotional environment, leaders and trainers must walk their talk. It’s not just about inviting emotional expression; it’s about being prepared to support and guide that expression in all its forms. By embracing and modeling this emotional expansiveness, we not only enhance the fabric of potential leadership styles but also enrich the human experience at the heart of our organizations.
Next up is Part 3, where we explore what we, as coaches, facilitators, and leaders, can shift with heightened self-awareness and insight.
If you missed Part 1 of this series you can read it here.
Hilary Blair is a leadership keynote speaker based out of Denver, CO, and is the co-founder of ARTiculate: Real & Clear. She is also a highly regarded, actor, improviser, facilitator, voice-over artist, and voice expert coach. Contact us today to learn more.
