We keep confusing polite with professional—and nice with kind. But they’re not the same. And in that mix-up, we’re losing the very friction that drives teams forward. Don’t get rid of being polite. Be intentional at understanding when it serves the situation and when it might undermine it.
At ARTiculate: Real&Clear, we work with leadership teams and high-performing individuals who know they could be doing better—but something is holding them back. That something is often a culture whose communication has become dominated by politeness.
Here’s the truth: Polite is often how we protect ourselves—from discomfort, from vulnerability, and from change. We may convince ourselves it’s about others, but often it’s just about ourselves. Effective leadership and meaningful team communication demand something else entirely.
Polite vs. Honoring – Why It Matters
Polite can serve a purpose—but when it becomes the default, it blocks connection and impacts creativity.
Polite avoids. Honoring engages.
Polite says, “I’ll back out.”
Honoring says, “I’m here, I disagree, and I’m listening.”
When team communication leans too hard into “let’s all get along,” innovation flatlines. Honoring communication invites differing perspectives and creates psychological safety to explore ideas without shutting down.
Leaders must intentionally take ownership of how their position impacts their desire for open communication. The power and status dynamic make it impossible to suggest we all share openly simply. A strong, agreed-upon set of guidelines that all adhere to is essential
What We’re Hearing From Leaders
“We have a great team, but we’re stuck.”
“They all like each other, but nothing is getting decided.”
“We avoid hard conversations because no one wants to make waves.”
You’re not alone.
This is what happens when we don’t build strong leadership communication skills. When the fear of conflict overrides the need for clarity, collaboration suffers. Many leaders haven’t been taught or given the tools for engaging in real dialogue that includes disagreement.
The Risk of “Too Nice”
Kind and honoring? Absolutely essential. But defaulting to nice and polite?
Here’s what we see when nice takes over:
- Innovation stalls
- Decisions don’t get made
- People shut down
- And trust? It starts to quietly erode.
Don’t Just Read About It. Practice It.
We call it the messy middle—that uncomfortable but rich space between silence and conflict, between avoid and attack. It’s where the real growth happens.
At ARTiculate: Real&Clear, we help teams step into that space and build the skills they need to navigate Fruitful Friction™—the kind that fuels innovation and trust. You can’t just think your way into better communication. You must practice—with skilled guidance, feedback, and space to stretch.
One of our clients hired a team member specifically because of his unique perspective. But once inside the team, his input landed sideways. He felt like he didn’t fit in, that people shut him down. He was about to quit. What didn’t he realize? The team actually valued him deeply—they just didn’t know how to communicate that. With team coaching, they built the tools to navigate differences and re-engage his voice. The result? A stronger team with more trust and more power to innovate.
Another client—a creative group bursting with talent—thought things were running smoothly. But underneath all that polite energy, trust was eroding. Real conversations were being avoided. The team was stumbling over what should have been easy client interactions and projects. Once the team received coaching, they learned how to offer kind, honest feedforward and engage in real dialogue. The culture grew stronger—and so did the team’s creativity, trust, and impact.
The Skills You Need to Shift the Culture
These are learnable. They’re not instinctive—they’re practiced.
First, how do you know that you are defaulting to polite instead of honoring others?
- You feel comfortable—maybe too comfortable.
- You reward yourself for avoiding conflict, even when you have valuable input.
- You shut down or fume silently, instead of speaking with clarity and care.
Next, what can you do to shift it for yourself?
- Heightened self- awareness
- Transparency
Pay attention to how you’re showing up—what words you choose, how your voice lands, what your body’s saying before you even speak. Then ask: what body language, tone, or phrasing from others shuts you down? The more aware we are, the more present we can be. Self-awareness is a powerful leadership and team tool. We need to keep exploring and learning to keep self-awareness, with a sense of connecting to others, from becoming self-conscious, where we wall off and isolate ourselves.
What role does transparency play in the conversations?
Transparency is the foundational tool that builds trust and psychological safety. It might sound like:
- “Let me try that again—I lost my train of thought.”
- “Hold on—I’m having a strong reaction to that.”
These aren’t lines you memorize—they’re real. They’re the kind of moments that remind us we’re human and we’re trying. And they shift the energy in the room.
Practice Where It’s Low Stakes First
This is a skill—so practice. Not in your next high-stakes board meeting, but in daily life with a friend, while shopping, or while navigating small decisions with your team
Try: “Let me be clearer in what I meant.” Or: “Can I rephrase that to reflect better what I meant to say?”
These micro-adjustments train you to show up with truth and presence, not polish.
This Is the Real Work of Leadership.
Polite smooths things over. Honoring keeps them real.
If your team is kind, smart, and stuck—it’s time to practice a different way.
We don’t just hand out communication tips. We coach the stuff that sticks—presence, feedback, and the elements that make up the kind of conversations that build trust and actually move the team and company to success.
You can lead your team into the messy middle—where fruitful friction™ lives.
We’ll guide you through it.
Let’s Keep the Conversation Going
At ARTiculate: Real&Clear, we work with leaders and teams who are ready to do the real work. You’ll:
- Build trust through presence and clarity
- Practice communication—not just talking about it
- Develop leadership teams that are courageous, agile, and aligned
Whether you’re ready for full team coaching or just curious about next steps, we’re here to help you figure out what fits.
Let’s keep the momentum going.
Hilary Blair is a leadership keynote speaker based out of Denver, CO, and is the co-founder of ARTiculate: Real & Clear. She is also a highly regarded actor, improviser, facilitator, voice-over artist, and voice expert coach.
Contact us at 303.868.3889 or visit ARTiculateRC.com to learn more about how we work with leadership teams and organizations ready for meaningful progress.
