The concept of curiosity and the directive of being curious are often shared without a deeper or more nuanced exploration of what that means for leaders and its impact. Without the focus on a real goal, without the depth of leaning into the relationship aspect of curiosity, leaders can genuinely miss the mark.
Are you curious about what is going on with that person or situation? Or are you curious about how you are woven into that relationship with the person or situation? Are you looking at it over there as if it has no bearing on you? Or are you stepping into your part in it?
The idea of being curious and bringing curiosity into your leadership is frequently discussed. Although there are deeper and broader explorations available, curiosity is still often assumed to be understood. It is often shared as a short quote as if that carries the whole instruction guide.
It’s used as a warning: “Curiosity killed the cat.”
It’s connected to learning and growth: “I think, at a child’s birth, if a mother could ask a fairy godmother to endow it with the most useful gift, that gift should be curiosity.” – Eleanor Roosevelt.
More frequently now, it’s a characteristic of a good leader: “At the heart of great leadership is a curious mind, heart, and spirit.” – Chip Conley
My coaching and training with leaders have allowed me to uncover unintentional misapplications of curiosity. It’s still being curious, but it tends to be curiosity directed outward rather than curiosity about oneself. It’s curiosity that leaves the leader out of the equation. A deeper conversation and exploration of curiosity demand that we’re present and self-aware. I’ve experienced the stark differences in how curiosity is activated and applied when directed outward vs. directed towards self-awareness. The ramifications of this distinction impact how a leader is received.
The two key differences are: 1. What is the focus of your curiosity? and 2. What is your relationship to it?
The focus could be as simple as getting employees to show up on time. If that goal is isolated, I’ve seen it become focused on the problem employee or employees. If, instead, the relationship involved is embraced, the curiosity becomes focused on what’s happening in this situation that I need to know about.
Karin Hurt and David Dye are experts in curiosity and work relationships for leaders and managers. I have used their 3-word question that works so well to open the eyes and pique the leader’s curiosity: “How can we…?” I use it as a general reframe and conversation prompt. It is very effective to feed that line to a leader asking his employee, “What’s making you late?” vs. “How can we work together to get you here on time?” It has the same focus, yet the second choice activates the existing relationship.
Curiousness is highly nuanced, and how you approach it makes a big difference.
Curiosity is often recommended as a key to better understanding and interaction: Be curious. Ask questions. Move beyond the simplistic “why” reminiscent of our toddler years, and delve into the “how” and “what.” While the advice to foster curiosity is valuable, its application is far more nuanced than it first appears.
What exactly should we be curious about? Is it our behavior, choices, or the impact we have on others? Or are we more focused on figuring out why others behave in specific ways? This distinction is critical, particularly for leaders and managers who aim to build deeper relationships and a more profound understanding within their teams.
Curiosity should not just be thrown at problems without clarity. It needs to be directed and meaningful. Consider my experience teaching voice-over classes and workshops for actors. A key element for any VO actor is their demo. In my acting classes for voice-over, I recall playing a series of demos that agents had rejected. It’s easy to criticize these demos when you know they’ve been turned down. However, I challenged my students to think about what led the actors to make such choices in their demo.
For example, one demo featured a detailed and graphic medical procedure that caused immediate negative reactions. Instead of focusing on the flaws, I asked, “What prompted this woman to create this demo this way? What was she thinking she was accomplishing?” The responses shifted dramatically, recognizing her intent to demonstrate her capability with medical terminology and challenging topics, showcasing her professionalism.
Yet, the agent rejected the demo because they felt the actor did not sufficiently consider her audience, which would likely lead to an adverse reaction from producers and clients. This brings us to two crucial lessons: understanding why a professional might make certain choices and considering how the intended audience perceives those choices. Both of these discoveries emphasize the importance of considering things from the relationship side: one with the actor who made the demo and the second with the proposed audience.
I worked with a young leader who practiced being genuinely curious about issues affecting an employee whose behavior was detrimental to his job. Initially, his approach was empathetic and focused on understanding and support, but it often shifted to a blame game without him realizing it. First, it was about the relationship and how to work together, and then his frustration would hijack the conversation. Then the conversation no longer had the leader curious about his part in it. Bringing his attention to how he would be more effective and most likely uncomfortable to remain present and curious. When the group in the workshop pointed it out to him with their own curiosity strongly in play, it allowed him to laugh at himself and acknowledge his role in the dynamic, with the employee feeling defensive. The leader was then able to reset and be present to reaffirm his commitment to the relationship with his employee. The employee then felt seen and recognized as a team member, and they could move into conversation.
Curiosity is not just a superficial trait. When genuinely embraced, it’s a profound approach to being in relationship that can transform how we connect, enhance leadership, and promote a deeper understanding of complex situations. As leaders, if we can heighten our awareness of using this powerful tool, we address immediate issues and create more empathetic, responsive, and effective work relationships.
Yet again, it’s a little thing that’s a big deal.
Hilary Blair is a leadership keynote speaker based out of Denver, CO, and is the co-founder of ARTiculate: Real & Clear. She is also a highly regarded, actor, improviser, facilitator, voice-over artist, and voice expert coach. Contact us today to learn more.
