Feedback can come in many forms. Often, the discussions around the topic focus on the feedback being given rather than on the person requesting or asking for the feedback. However, receiving feedback is a skill that needs to be practiced and honed.
In order to receive feedback well, we have to master how we request feedback. Sometimes you request it and sometimes it comes unsolicited. Or sometimes, the type of feedback you are requesting can switch part way through – what was requested shifts, and you end up with unsolicited input. We are often shocked when we feel the shift and may find ourselves paralyzed and unable to request what we truly need. It warrants an exploration for your next feedback encounter.
Asking for Input vs. Affirmation
Recently I coached a CFO who realized that he thought he was asking for input, yet when he truly examined his need in the moment, he simply needed affirmation. He needed to know if he was taking the right steps towards shoring up a presentation he was to make to the board. He wanted his team to affirm what he was doing, not offer their input.
When he checked in with colleagues, he kept getting more and more input and ideas. His colleagues were giving him what they felt were helpful ideas. He found he lost his temper in the confusion because he was looking for affirmation not all the suggestions that were coming his way. He felt his boundaries had been ignored, and they were simply dumping on him.
In hindsight, he realized he hadn’t clearly defined what he needed from them and, in good faith, they piled on their feedback. But, it was neither what he needed, nor what he wanted. Confusion and hurt feelings occurred on both sides. A clarifying and healing conversation took place after his realization. He has said that he’ll be clearer next time so that those assisting him won’t get misguided and confused.
Be Clear What You’re Asking for When You Request Feedback
What is your frame of mind? Are you seeking input to guide you in your growth or towards certain goals? Or are you seeking affirmation that you’re doing the right things? This quick check in with yourself can save a lot of heartache along with miscommunication and confusion.
You must clarify what you want from your colleagues or clients when you are requesting feedback for presentations. By clarifying what you want, you make it a win for your audience and for the one giving the feedback. For example, a past client was so frustrated that her clients were giving her input, guidance, possible adjustments and edits as she presented. They were simply adding in what they thought was helpful and needed.
She needed to let them know right up front that the feedback she was looking for was simply a choice of A or B at the end. That is all. It would totally change how they listened. Presenting those clear options would have guided the desired input. And it would no longer be frustrating to present. With the needs made clear, the relationship with the client was stronger as well.
Defining Feedback Boundaries Strengthens Relationships
Miscommunication, even with the best intentions, can undermine relationships. If we don’t define what we’re looking for when we ask for feedback, then we need to be super self-aware to own it when we react, or something hits a trigger in us. Is the feedback you want input or is it affirmation? And what information are you specifically looking for? Receiving feedback is much easier when everyone is clear on the kind of feedback requested.
When you define the boundaries of the desired feedback it keeps everyone safer. It doesn’t mean, however, that you’re asking for watered down feedback or less intense scrutiny. Instead, if you’re extra careful with creating the boundaries for the feedback, you get the info you need, and you get it in the way that you need it. This is far more useful. As the poet Robert Frost penned decades ago, “Good fences make good neighbors.” Establishing boundaries for receiving feedback creates a more successful communication experience for all.
Feedback while Leading Groups
When leading groups or teams, guide them to create a space that’s helpful for requesting and receiving feedback. By using the structure “what works?” and “what do you need more of, less of, or different?” you keep opinions out of the conversation. You avoid the comments that start with “I like,” since these tend more toward opinions rather than a tools. When you hear “I like” starting the comment, you might find yourself feeling as if you must receive and implement that input. When feedback starts with “what works for me is” you often can more easily choose whether or not it works for you. Do you want to use that tool or not? As the receiver, you have the choice to take what works and graciously leave the rest.
Check in with Yourself While Receiving Feedback
Do you really want this feedback? Do you need this feedback? Is this the right moment? Are these the right people? It’s easy to get caught up in “yes, give me feedback” and “oh that was awesome and so helpful” when feedback comes your way — but sometimes the feedback can go sideways without boundaries and guidance, and becomes hurtful or misguided input.
Feedback is especially unhelpful when those little tidbits of information get stuck in your head and throw you off in the moment. Granted, sometimes the tidbit might be just what we need to hear. Be super self-aware as information comes in and sort it with intention to grow and be aware of what is useful.
We’re not suggesting you blow off feedback that you don’t like, we’re suggesting that you be intentional and aware of how it’s hitting you, and is it what you asked for? If feedback shifts part way through a conversation from helpful to misguided, it’s up to you to reestablish the new boundaries/rules of the engagement.
The Over-acceptance of Feedback
Two things can interfere with feedback. The first is what we call The Alex Effect™ and the second, I have to take it mindset. These two are often interconnected. In the Alex Effect™, power and status of the person providing the feedback may sway you. You’re giving more weight to their feedback because of the person it’s coming from regardless of the insight of the person giving it. You’re hearing it as truth. So, how do you know it you’re doing this? Do you allow yourself to say “sure, I’d love some feedback from you,” simply because of the person who is offering it?
The second thing that can interfere with feedback is the I have to take it mindset, in which the person is offering unsolicited feedback without you requesting it. This can feel as if you’re trapped and without options to move forward except to do it exactly as the person has mentioned. There is a solution, however. You can establish stronger boundaries even if the giver of the feedback has a higher title or position than you – or if you admire that person a great deal.
Redirect Unsolicited Feedback
When you find yourself becoming overwhelmed by unsolicited feedback, you can shut it down or you can redirect it. One option for redirection is to request a time delay. This is especially helpful if it is a superior who feels they have to give you feedback. You might say, “I appreciate and welcome your ideas. It would work better for me right now to have this discussion in an hour, or tomorrow, or perhaps to see it in writing, after I see what the client said, etc.” There are any number of completely legitimate boundaries to set.
Another option is to intentionally separate input from affirmations. Be clear about what you’re requesting: “Right now, it’d be helpful to hear one thing that worked for you. We can connect later for adjustments you may suggest.” Remember: unsolicited feedback isn’t the same as feedback that you requested. There’s power in feedback, both giving and receiving. Be intentional with your request.
Not Accepting Donations at This Time.
Sometimes it seems that we have granted the giver of feedback immunity to any respectful boundaries. It’s as if their opinions and their need to share them matter more than whether it’s the time or place for the feedback. Their insistence on offering feedback can overshadow whether the feedback is even helpful for the receiver.
Yet, you can claim your boundaries. And you can do it without being offensive. Permission granted for you to step up and speak up, kindly and more strongly if needed, to establish the parameters in which you’re willing and able to hear feedback.
Be an Ally
Lastly, be an ally – step in and help guide a conversation if you feel or know someone is getting unsolicited and misguided feedback. Help them establish the boundaries they need. Kind words, tone of voice and good intentions can go a long way for the one receiving feedback.
In summary
- Feedback training often focuses on the giver of feedback and skips over guidance for the person receiving feedback.
- There’s a needed mastery of skills for the person asking for/receiving feedback – including setting boundaries and guiding the discussion.
- Know your intention when asking for feedback: are you desiring input or affirmation?
- Claim your boundaries around when and how much feedback you want. If you asked for it, you can set boundaries. If you didn’t ask for it, you can still set boundaries.
- Solicited feedback can shift to unsolicited feedback fairly quickly. Trust your instinct that something shifted and claim your boundaries.
- Be an ally by speaking up to help others establish boundaries when receiving feedback.
- Possible boundary setting:
- Thank you but not right now.
- Can I have just one thought at this moment?
- That’s not quite what I was looking for, let me reframe the request:
- At this time can you tell me one thing that worked?
- I appreciate the intent, and I’m not quite ready for input.
When it comes to receiving feedback, sometimes we find we are responding to rules that might not exist. You don’t have to simply receive all feedback that comes your way – no matter who the giver is. Permission granted to establish the boundaries that allow feedback to be helpful and guide you to growth and deeper understanding.
Hilary Blair is a leadership keynote speaker based out of Denver, CO, and is the co-founder of ARTiculate: Real & Clear. She is also a highly regarded, actor, improviser, facilitator, voice-over artist, and voice expert coach. Contact us today to learn more.
